Black Cat
by Pichi Wo
Summary: A relief from all those RoyEd fics where Ed becomes a cat chimera. This time, Roy does! Boy, do I have a one trick imagination. RoyEd, maybe HavocFuery if I get bored.
1. Prologue

Hello! I got tired of RoyEd 'omg Ed turned into a cat' fics, so I decided to write a RoyEd 'omg Roy turned into a cat' fic instead. But you must admit it's sexy. -drools over thought of Roy with cat ears and tail-

MP: Oh, for goodness' sake, keep the drool of my fur, at least!

Me: Anyway. It will be funny, because I'm too crappy a writer to have more than one trick. -sweatdrop-

MP: Exactly.

Me: But it won't be funny all the time.  
MP: Okay.

Me: And I WILL make it make sense if it KILLS me!

MP: Good luck with that. -snicker-

Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist in any way, shape, or form. If I did, I'd be stinkin' rich and I wouldn't be writing fanfiction about it. Instead, I'd add it in to the story itself, and Jean Havoc and Cain Fuery would be married, 'cuz they're sexy. Got that? And I don't own Monty Python either.

Dedication: This is dedicated to all those people on who can actually write. I'm sorry for not being one of them! And this is also dedicated to Fae Elric, who reviews in my other story and lies to make me feel better. Couldn't have done it without reviews!

Warning: See those two sections directly above? That's how I write. If stories that tend to wander off on random tangents bore you, RUN AWAY.

Black Cat

Alright, I admit it. I was a bit overzealous, but after all, it was my first active mission in months! Who wouldn't be overexcited to finally have a chance to stretch their legs?

Well. Leg-stretching isn't gonna be all that easy now.

Let me start at the beginning. I'd been assigned a 'rescue/removal' mission on a Class C alchemical criminal. He'd been performing human transmutation, namely human chimeras, which the military did not in itself care about. However, he wasn't giving his research to the State, which was, of course, inexcusable. So the Flame Alchemist, Hero of the Ishbal Revolution (ick!), was being sent in to rescue his test subjects.

Well, they never really figured on my becoming one of them.

It wasn't all that hard to figure out where this guy was working, not when the head of the Investigations Department used to be your closest friend. So I just had to go to him, flame his ass, save his subjects, and get out. Right?

That was the plan. In reality, I barged in, got ready to snap, and tripped over a black cat. I hit the ground on my head, and everything went black.

When I woke up, I was in a small cage... too small for me to fit in, under normal circumstances. But I was far too dozy to figure out what that meant.

I looked around, and saw that my cage was only one out of many. In the cage next to me was a small boy who appeared normal... except for his elongated, scaly snout, sharp teeth, saurian hands and feet, and lizard tail.

He opened one greeny-gold, slit-pupil eye, and then sat up. Inasmuch as that was possible, in these tiny cages.

"Where's Lewis?"

I was too winded to answer, and besides that, I didn't know who this Lewis guy was.

Alligator Kid moaned. "Oh, no! He took Lewis..."

I was a little more awake now. "Who's 'he?'" There was something strange about my voice, but I couldn't figure out what it was...

Lizard Boy stared at me. "The guy who did this to us." He gestured to his tail and then to my head, for reasons I couldn't fathom.

"I'm not an experiment," I said, and then it hit me. My voice hadn't been that high since I turned fourteen. What in the world...?

Alligator Boy scoffed. "Uh, yeah you are. The ears, the tail, the hands and feet..."

My eyes widened, and I reached up to feel on my head. Sure enough, cat ears.

That's when I fainted.

A/N: Yeah. This sucked balls.

MP: -nod nod-

Me: Oh well, maybe it'll get more interesting later... I hope...

MP: Doubt it.

Me: -thwacks MP over the head-

MP: -readies voodoo tornado-

Monty Python people: RUN AWAY!


	2. Chapter 1

Hello all! I'M SOOOOOOOO SORRY! PLEEEEASE FORGIVE MEEEE! I just couldn't write this... All of my other series (Why Cupid Isn't Allowed In Pubs Anymore, to be exact) are on hiatus till chapter five of this to make up for the extra long time! I'M SOOOOO SORRY!

REVIEWAH WORSHIP!

Mizuki hikari: Will do! XD

MewMewVanilla Thanks thanks thanks! .

Kikyo's killer: Roy here. Three words. Short and sweet. Isn't that right, shnoogy wuggums?

Ed: If you didn't give the best damn blow job in Central, I'd kill you right now.

Roy: YOU'RE JUST USING ME FOR SEX, AREN'T YOU?

Greedy Ed: Not only did Greedy Ed give a nice review, SHE GAVE ME THE LINK TO THAT PIC! I probably still have it somewhere... But anyway, in exchange for your awesomeness, you get a plushie of Fuery and Havoc making out as cat chimeras. -drool- And that reminds me of something, so I'll just skip ahead to:

Neo Diji: You get the same plushie just for planting that image in my mind. And you get a plushie of chibi Roy wearing a shirt that reads: HUGGALICIOUS. -chee!-

Eds Lover: Thanks!

Invader-Nehima: You gave a nice review, but my psychic powers sense that you like Invader Zim and Negima. Am I right? Huh, huh?

galliechan: Yup! I stole your thunder. MUAHAHAHA! -stolen thunder crashes-

Discalaimer: See Prologue. I will not own FMA for the duration of this fic, kay?

Unfortunately, the whole thing was not a dream, and I was not in my own bed when I woke from my swoon. Or, better yet, someone else's bed. P'raps... Shayla? No, she swore in court under oath that she'd never date me again. Eliza? If she saw me across a crowded square, she'd follow me just to give me a good kick in the balls...

I apologize if I sound a tad delirious. Running ten miles with no water can do that to ya. My head hurts so badly right now, but my 'new and improved' muscles don't feel a thing. Damned alchemist. Apparently I'm his 'best creation yet,' so he's been testing me harder than any of the others. _Bastard forgot to make me resistant to water loss..._ I'd rather _not_ get a hangover without at least having the pleasure of being drunk first.

But I'll back up a bit. When I woke up, Reptilo was pressing against the side of the cage on his knees. "Mister! Mister! Are you okay?"

I moaned. "Yeah, kid. Do me a favor, leave me in my agony, kay?"

Dracono-child narrowed his eyes and spat out, "Kid yerself! I'm forty fucking years old!"

I lifted my head, and regretted it instantly. Putting my head down, I said, "Yeah, and I'm the Fuhrer's daughter. Come on, you're no taller than..." Ed... aha... he'd kill me for that...

He raised a scaly eyebrow. "No taller than you yourself? Get on your knees, if you're well enough to."

More and more memories of my day were surfacing in my mind, and suddenly, I believed the kid.

As it turned out, the kid was indeed older than me. His name was West. He was an alchemist himself, and he had studied chimeric theory pretty heavily. Apparently, chimeras were usually more successful if both of the subjects were in adolescence or infancy, those being the stages of life when the most change was occurring in the body, and when the body would be most able to deal with changes in structure. This alchemist was taking it a step further: he was taking subjects of any age and turning back the body's 'clock' so that they would survive the transformation.

Soon after that, I was chloroformed and taken for my first test. When I woke up, I had a body temperature monitor strapped onto my chest.

Then, that BASTARD dropped me in ice water.

I had never really noticed how water gets into nooks and crannies and freezes your entire body, then soggifies you so you can't get warm again. And, for some reason, it made my face hurt.

Well, apparently, that was because I had _WHISKERS..._

God, I must be so cute, it's sickening.

I met some of my other fellow captives. Ashley, a great blue heron chimera, I had met before. I nearly didn't survive that encounter. Ironically enough, that bastard alchemist saved my ass.

None of us knew his name, so that was what we called him. To his face. I'm not sure he realized we could talk.

I haven't been myself these last couple of days...

Some of the time, I'll be manically cheerful and optimistic, and be cracking jokes all the time, and then a couple of minutes later, I'll start acting like Fullmetal minus caffeine, and then I'll come close to crying. And the worst part is, I _know_ I'm having irrational mood swings, but I can't stop it. It's the puberty thing, I know it. Fortunately, I've had perfect skin all my life, so I don't have to worry about acne; which promotes me, I guess, from 'freak' to 'shotacon pinup.' Not that I have all that extensive knowledge of _those_. Oh dear lord, no.

Each of us test subjects made a promise to the rest. _If any of us escape, they MUST come back for the rest. Promise?_

That's a promise I have to keep. I'm slowly going insane in this fractured, dystopic life, and I've only been here a week. My thoughts are already scattered with the wind, disconnected, horrific, like this place I'm trapped in. I will escape...

:and it ends:

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews! So supportive...

MP: So nice...

Me: Exac...! hey...

MP: But seriously. This isn't a narrative. It's a list of thoughts with less and less coherence as it goes on.

Me: Actually, I was hoping you'd say that. Read the last paragraph again. It's supposed to express Roy's shrinking sanity.

Roy: Thanks a lot...

Me: -squee!- -glomps chuu- YOU'RE SO KYUUUUTE!

Ed: -clap- -slap- -spikes- MINE!


	3. Chapter 2

I have an excuse this time! Really! My hard drive fried on _both _of my computers, and they only just came back online! I'M SOOOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY!

REVIEWAH WORSHIP!

darkgreenpriestess: Insert drool in stereo:D sorry, that's a joke that won't make sense till you read the chappie... so sorry!

Greedy Ed: Neko pic. But they were both unbelievably smexy.

FyreOpal25: Three letters: lol!

MewMewVanilla: .. The pic's on my profile. All together now- GREEDY ED WHUPS ASS!

Mizuki hikari: Will do! 'x'

Invader-Nehima: Thanks for all the praise! You'll stop praising me after this chapter, trust me...

Kikyo's killer: One page. . . 

BlackFire-Dog: On your recommendation, I _did_ read Felus catus, and it is MUCH better than this crap! Everybody, stop reading this instant and go read Felis Catus by DuAlity! NOW!

marufu-chan: Unfortunately, I have not kept up the good work, as this chapter is utter crap.

Disclaimer: See Prologue.

Dedication: To all the people out there who know how you're supposed to hold a cat. You can injure a cat by holding them wrong, you know! Knowledge is safety for cats!

Black Cat

I got my chance today.

It's all thanks to Ashley. You know, the girl who tried to kill me the first couple of days? She got the bastard in the face. She's done that before, but never as he was just about to chloroform someone.

He staggered back, and _dropped the chloroform_ _rag_.

I took the opportunity with gusto. Unfortunately, the bastard has good reflexes, and it took him all of three seconds for him to recover sufficiently to give chase. And it didn't help that I had absolutely _no _clue where the door was...

To tell a long story short, he got me trapped under a corner desk, well within reach of his arms. I cowered back in fear...

And that _BASTARD_ began _cooing_ at me! "Here, kitsy... come to Papa... I'm not gonna hurtcha..."

Mhmm. Riiight. You're just gonna throw me in ice water.

I felt my cat mind clawing for attention, and let it take over...

and next thing I knew, I was in an unfamiliar alleyway, with blood and skin on my claws.

MUAHAHAHAHAH...

--------

I'm not even going to _discuss_ what a pain in the ass it was to get through Central unnoticed. Let's just say sewage pipes and the undersides of cars were involved and leave it at that.

Eventually, I made it to HQ, and getting through _there_ was a million times worse. I eventually had to steal a hoodie that was ten sizes too big. Which still didn't solve the problem of people asking me where my mommy was. It was probably uncalled for, though, to start crying and sobbing, "Mommy's DEAD..." to that one guard... but what the hell, it got me through, dinnit?

Now... to face Hawkeye and Havoc and... dear God, FULLMETAL...

I think I'm about to discover religion.

--------

Actually, things didn't go _quite_ as badly as my thoroughly abused imagination had feared.

I got asked the mommy question by Fuery of all people. (Am I really _that_ young looking? I guess Fullmetal gets away with it by always looking pissed...)

Anyway...

I pulled back the hood and said, "My mommy's in heaven. You see, I'm a war orphan. Have been for... oh, I don't know... twenty-two years?"

Fuery's eyebrows furrowed. Havoc on the other hand, walked by, saw me, said, "Hey, Chief," and walked off.

A couple of seconds later, he ran backwards and said, "Whoa! Chief! What's with the ears?"

Fuery did the eyebrow thing and said, "Ears? What about his... OHMYGAWD!"

I sighed. _My subordinates are idiots..._

Then the rest of my office began to crowd around. And (horrors of horrors) someone was _squealing_...

I don't remember much of the next three seconds. The next coherent thought in my head was, _Al. And. Hawkeye. Are. Playing. Tug of war. With. Me._

It seemed to occur to them at about the same time. Hawkeye's face immediately lost all emotion, and she pushed me into Al's arms. (Oh, joy.) "Just making sure you wouldn't be too rough with him. He's not a cuddle toy."

Havoc snickered. "Leading by example, are we, Haw-"

BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG!

TOOM...

Havoc stood there, all color gone from his face, staying in the exact same position, except for a terrified shaking.

I asked the question on everyone's mind. "...did she even draw her gun? I couldn't see."

Before anyone could reply, Ed barged into the room. What's everyone looking at?" He came in closer, and I guess he didn't see my face, because he sighed exasperatedly, and said, "Al! How many times do I have to tell you?..."

For the second time today, I was spunh around faster than I could think.

"...you hold a cat like _this_!"

And I was in the arms of someone no taller than myself.

There was a moment where everyone except Ed froze.

Ed stumbled backwards. "Oof! Wow, big ca..."

He looked down into my eyes, and I looked into his.

And I _swear _his hair stood _straight _up.

There was a moment where EVERYONE froze...

...and Ed turned to the side with a completely stiff face and handed me off to Al. "Um. Uh... yeah... so, remember this time."

More silence.

Suddenly, Ed's eyes widened, and he whipped around screaming, "IS THAT THE _COLONEL_?"

--------

Eventually, they calmed down enough to confront the problem at hand: What in the world were they to do with me?

Hawkeye had already accepted a 'pet.' All the others still had no space.

Except...

for Ed...

"I've got a better idea. How's about you just let me live in my mansion and take care of myself?"

Hawkeye shook her head. "No, you're too short."

I was filled with a fury beyond that which I had ever known.

"Short? SHORT? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLING TOO SHORT TO TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF IN HIS OWN FUCKING MANSION? HUH? I AM _TWENTY-SEVEN_ FUCKING YEARS OLD, AND I AM _NOT _SHORT!"

Complete silence.

Then Hawkey just went on without missing a beat. "You learn quickly. In any case, you and Ed together are almost as tall as a normal person-"

Insert spazz duet.

"- so Ed and Al will move into your house to take care of you.

Insert faint-in-stereo.

-end... for now...-

Me: Let me just cut you off here: This sucked shit out of an asshole.

MP: ... um. Yeah.

Me: Review anyway? Pweeze? -puppycat eyes-


	4. Chapter 3

Hello, sorry for the wait, I suck, you guys are awesome.

REVIEWAH WORSHIP!

Pichi Wo: snif You're so mean...

LeSoleilAvantLeCrepuscule: Totally. :3

Invader-Nehima: They are exactly the same height. Fuck the Uncertainty Principle, they are exACTly the same height.

Kikyo's killer: It's a short people thing.

MewMewVanilla: Chloroform's a sedative. People put it on rags and hold it to other people's noses to knock 'em out.

Mizuki hikari: Will do:D

BlackFire-Dog: You know, puppy-dog eyes, 'cept better.

I DIDN'T REPEAT! BWAHAHAHA!

Greedy Ed: You don't have to lie just to make me feel better, you know.

imyourvillain: You'll find out the Bastard's name soon enough. -cough cough I haven't come up with it yet cough cough-

Vad Mustang: MP: That's Apocalypse.

Me: Shh! Stop correcting the readers!

darkgreenpriestess: Thanks for the WLP!

Neo Diji: I still can't get over the fact that THE Neo Diji reviews my crap! I'm glad you can find _some_ worthwhile bits in this!

MP: She's lying to be nice.

Me: I knew that!

--------------------

Disclaimer: See Prologue, and I don't own Klondike either.

Dedication: To everyone who's ever had to stand on the counter to reach the top shelf. You are loved.

**Black Cat Chapter 3**

OH. MY. GOD.

Nonononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! This is bad! Very bad! There are things in that house Ed is definitely not ready to see! Condoms, for instance! At least, I hope he's not interested in those just yet...

Cutting off that train of thought right there.

I awoke to find myself in a cab, being driven, apparently, to my house. Hawkeye was in the front, and Ed was next to me, fuming. Something wasn't quite right here, though...

Then it hit me. "Is Al driving?"

The car jolted and lifted into the air.

"...in the loosest possible since of the word..."

"YEEEEEE-HAAAW!"

Oh dear lord.

I _am _discovering religion. Toldja.

------------------

We eventually got to my manse, with nothing more than a brain fracture on my part, and got out of the car.

"Home sweet home," I sighed, and ran forward and opened the door.

Or... tried to.

"Ed...? Could you get over here and- Ed? Al?"

They were standing there, staring up at soemthing.

I took a quick glance upwards. Nothing but the house.

"Is something wrong?"

Ed found his tongue. "That... is a fucking _huge_ house."

I frowned. "Is it? It's only got four aboveground stories."

Al coughed. "Umm... how many belowground?"

"Two. But the bottom one's just a wine cellar," I said dismissively.

"Do you have any idea how rich you are?"

"Please, Ed, Al, just help the Colonel get into his house."

Hawkeye pulled out their luggage and laid it on the sidewalk, then drove off. After several seconds more gaping, the Elric brothers attempted to enter the house.

"What the- It's locked?"

"Uh, yeah, that's what I said..."

"Then open it, Bastard!"

I flinched. He had to pick Bastard...

"My keys are in my uniform."

"Yeah? And?"

"And my uniform is currently in the house of an insane alchemist."

"So how the fuck are we supposed to get into the house!"

"Big Brother?"

"Uh? Yeah?"

"You're screaming."

Brief silence. Brief, blessed, sacred silence.

Ed continued in a whisper, "But how do we..."

I sighed, and said in a exaggerated, 'I'm talking to a numbskull' voice, "Clap... and... slap."

Ed, went "Oh," and blasted my door to pieces.

"YOU STU-! You could've just alchemized the lock open!"

Ed blinked. "Oh, yeah..."

This was going to be an exceedingly long day.

---------------------------

I'd forgotten what a pain in the ass it was to live in a world made for giants. Stupid motherfucker peanut butter jar...

Ed came in and saw me on the counter. "MUSTANG!"

I turned around and said, "Mm? Oh. goody. I need some help."

"I SHOULD THINK SO! What on _earth_ compelled you to stand on the counter?"

"How else was I supposed to get the peanut butter?"

"USE YOUR BRAIN, BASTARD!"

SNAP. "STOP CALLING ME A BASTARD! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW SHITTY THAT MAKES ME FEEL?" I leaped down and stood in front of Ed. "YOU STUPID, INSENSITIVE SONUVA-"

I was stopped by an insanely pleasant sensation at the back of my head. It felt like a indefinitely long orgasm, I kid you not. As my senses faded and my cat brain took over, I registered that Ed was _scratching me behind the ears_...

The next thing I knew, I was flat on my back on the floor, and Ed himself was standing on the counter looking insanely freaked. And blush-y. (And cute as a button?) Ignoring that...

Ed began screeching at me. I couldn't really register what he was saying. It sounded a bit like this:

"NEEEYAGABAABAFHINEENEENEEEOOWAHHHHHH!"

I groaned. "What happened?"

He stopped screaming, hyperventilated for a second, then said, "You- you NUZZLED me!"

Wait. What?

"I was scratching you behind the ears to make you shut up-"

"WHAT!"

"-and then you got all weird and meowy and started _nuzzling_ me, you _PERVERT_!"

"PERVERT YOURSELF! YOU SCRATCHED ME BEHIND THE EARS LIKE- LIKE I WAS A CAT!"

"FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, YOU HALFWAY ARE!"

"FINE, THEN! WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SCRATCH A MOTHERFUCKING CAT BEHIND THE EARS? IT _NUZZLES_ YOU!"

"Could you guys keep it down? It sounds like you two ae having a lover's tiff down here.

Insert glare duet.

"Oohoohoo!" giggled Alphonse as he ran like hell down the hallway.

There was a brief silence.

Tehre was Ed, panting, sweaty, red in the face (and the schmeckschiescht thing I've ever seen.)

"SHUT UP!"

Ed controlled his temper¹. "I didn't say ANYTHING, Mustang."

"No, not you!" (Yes, him. Oh, yes.) "SHUT UP!"

He leered at me. "What, been listening to the voices in your head again?"

"NO! I'm NOT listening to them. Ya HEAR ME?"

The leer began to drop. "Colonel, are you okay?"

"NO! I mean, yes! I... just need a nap."

"Okay..."

I was asleep before I realized that Ed had actually expressed concern for my well-being.

It's a miracle of sorts...

-it's already over?-

Me: This sucked shit too.

MP: Uh... well, yeah, but not as much.

Me: I have to reach Chapter 5 so I can write drabbles again!

MP: Oh, that's sooo much bettter.

Sarcasm: drips off of MP

_**FOOTNOTES!**_

1: Give that man a Klondike Bar.


	5. Chapter 4

Hey! SOOO sorry for the wait! Not posting anything else is _killing_ me. As a result, this is turning into humor. Sigh...

REVIEWAH WORSHIP!

katsuro-chan: Yay! More praise! -egoegoegoego-

FyreOpal25: Isn't it sweet, though?

LeSoleilAvantLeCrepuscule: Nice username. No, Ed does for controlling his temper.

MewMewVanilla: -gives one to Edward- Good boy.

Roy: -steals-

darkgreenprietess: Updated! ...but not soon. TTTT

anmbucuconnfan: Mike Pack here. -deflects good luck-

Me: ( 8' 0 Meanie!

Kikyo's killer: IT was! This one... may be shorter. But then again, it might not. -shrugs-

BlackFire-Dog: That's what stilts are for.

Neo Diji: I flame my own stories because... IT'S FUN! XD

Invader-Nehima: Krinne? That your muse?

MP: W'sup?

Greedy Ed: Thanks:D

Disclaimer: See Prologue.

Dedication: To all those people out there who ever look at a job they have to do and must fight the urge to scream " Don't wanna don't wanna don't wanna don't WANNA!" like a three-year old. -coughs-

Chapter Four

I woke up, and checked all my vital signs. Heartbeat? Check. Pulse? Check. Cat ears? Double check. Roaring, gravel-in-the-gears-loud stomach? Check, check, check. "Fullmetal..."

No response. He must have gone elsewhere.

Shrimpo didn't even get me my peanut butter.

Making sure to be absolutely silent, I crept into the kitchen.

Operation: Get Peanut Butter commencing... NOW.

I was about to get up onto the counter again when I remembered Ed's request that I find another way. Command, really. But apparently he meant well, which was odd, because if I was him, I'd leave the Taisa on the counter to fall and crack his skull wiiide open.

So, as 'requested,' I used my brain and got a piece of chalk and the footstool.

I stood on the footstool's top step. As predicted, too short. But that's not a problem to a State Alchemist.

I drew a quick circle on the stool, activated it, and was soon standing right in front of the peanut butter jar. I allowed myself a brief smirk. Vicktowy.

I turned around to turn the footstool back, and dropped the chalk.

Oh. Shit.

"Al? Ed? Preferably Al? I need some heeeeeelp! HEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLP!"

Predictably, the person who heard me was- Fullmetal.

"What did you do this time, you- ROY! WHAT THE FUCK?"

"I used my brain, just like you told me," I said, uncomfortably aware of how much I sounded like a proud toddler. Changing tack, I yelled, "And look where it got me!"

Ed paused. "What the hell did you do?"

Genuine curiosity. Or perhaps he's collecting blackmail. Either way, I can't get down till I tell him.

"I got out the footstool, and it was too short. So I transmuted it to make it taller, and then I dropped the chalk. Get me down, will ya?"

He looked for a moment like he would laugh, and then he sighed. "What happened to improved muscles and catlike reflexes? Why didn't you just _jump_?"

Actually, that hadn't really occurred to me, but there was no way in hell I was going to tell him that.

Jumping to the island, and then to the floor, I said, "You didn't have all that much confidence in them yourself, when I was just standing on the counter. I stand on a wobbly five-foot tall tower, and you somehow think that's safer?"

He sighed, then grumbled out, "Alright, so I was paranoid... but that still doesn't change the fact that you screamed for help like a little wussy when you could've just jumped down without my ever knowing!"

"Well, excuse me for respecting your wishes." And I opened the peanut butter. "Gimme a spoon, will ya?"

"You're going to eat it straight from the jar?"

"Yeah..."

"That's _so _GROSS!"

"Whatever. Spoon please."

"Even if I _knew_ where the spoons were, I'm not going to aid and abet in your grossness!

"Top middle drawer, in the silverware tray. I've done this before, you realize."

There was a pause, as I mulled over the past few minutes.

"Ever get the feeling you're having two different conversations at once with the same person?" I inquired conversationally.

Ed blinked, completely thrown by the change in subject.

I opened the silverware drawer. "You know, where every time you say something, you address two completely unrelated subjects?"

I plunged the spoon into the jar as he said, "You're not making any sense. Are you drunk?"

"As a teetotaler," I said, walking out of the kitchen and licking the spoon.

Brief, blessed silence.

I sighed. "A teetotaler, Fullmetal, is-"

"I KNOW WHAT A TEETOTALER IS! YOU'RE DOING IT! EWW! GROSS!"

"What's he doing? Masturbating?"

"I'm not going to dignify that question with a reply, Al." I attempted to scuttle away...

and failed. "Stop _right_ there, you eater-out-of-the-jar! Al, look at 'im! He's eating straight from the peanut butter jar!"

Al sniffed. "I wish I could eat straight from the jar..." To me, he signaled, 'RUN.'

And run I did. These Elric boys think they can just just order me about, don't they? It makes me mad.

-------------------------

I went into my room and let my cat mind take over. About three hours later, I was back in control.

Drapes... I need to get new drapes...

--------------------------

Next day, we all went to the office, even though I was a chimera now. You'd think that counted for something. But then again, I didn't really want to stay in that huge old house anyway. (Not when there's Edward...) What? No. Besides, he's a jerk. (Maybe, but-)

I cut off... whatever it is... right there.

I had kneel in m y chair to sign the paperwork, which was a pain in the ass. Literally. It gave me a real cramp in my tail, so I laid down, very carefully, on the desk.

I had three-fucking-feet of extra space. Stupid giant evil tall long desk.

Then Hawkeye saw me and persuaded me to sit down.

Spackle... I'm, out of Spackle...

I sighed. This was really too much. I didn't want to sit down and hurt my tail! My shoulders began to cramp.

Don't WANT to sign all these fucking motherfucker sheets of paper.

There goes my lower back.

Why do we need all this paper, anyway? Especially when I'm ill.

Shoulder tendons at snapping point...

Don't wanna.

Don't WANna.

Don't wanna _don't wanna don't WANNA_!

"ARRGH!" I screamed, and took the top sheet of paper in my mouth and sank my claws and fangs in it and ripped it up.

When the fog of rage cleared from my mind, I was standing on the desk, with shreds of paper in my mouth and hands, with the entire office staring at me.

Several thoughts ran through my head at once:

_What in the world persuaded me to leave the door open?_ That would be Hawkeye.

_MotherFUCK._

_Damn these frigging' adolescent mood swings._

_Hawkeye is gonna KILL me._

And so on.

"Chief? ...You okay?"

I blinked. "Yeah, fine." And a fluttering scrap of paper fell from my mouth.

Ed sighed. "This is going to be a looong infinity."

-this is the sound of ending-

A/n

MP: You procrastinating _bastard_!

Me: I know, I know!

Roy: When do we get the limes?

Me: -shoves a slice of lime into Roy's mouth-

Ed: -walks up and frenches Roy-

Several Hours later...

Ed: -breaks away for air- That tasted _great_.

Roy: You know what _else_ tastes great?

Director: CUT CUT CUUUUT!


	6. Chapter 5

I updated! Fast! And the story's three pages long without the Author's Notes! And I included some drama! And-

MP: -thwonks me on the head-

Me: -unconcious-

MP: Aw, shit... I'll have to do the Reviewer Worship...

Reviewer Worship... or whatever.

Person with really long username: I can! IT AIN'T DRAMA!

Elric the Fairy... okay, not really, but that's what it looks like: You review a lot, which is nice, but you are waaaay too easily amused.

Crazy Inuyasha Fangirl: Even _I _thought _that_ was funny.

japanese name without capitals: HYPER LADY! -crosses self-

Horny Ed: It does? Weeeeeird.

anothernamwithoutcapitals_or_spaces: Peanut butter is NASty!

VanillaKitty: Tuna's nasty too.

Me: Uhhhg...

MP: -thwonk- I'm having way too much fun for you to interrupt!

Disclaimer: YAY! Pichi doesn't own FMA! Cel-e-brate good times! -dances-

Lawyers: -ahem-

MP: Fine, he doesn't own 'Celebrate' either. Sheesh...

Dedication: To all those unappreciated muses out there. Holla BACK!

MP: Okay, you can wake up and write now. -splashes cold water on my face-

Me: Nnnrgh... okay...

Chapter 5

After receiving a long talking to from Hawkeye, who really only said ONE THING in a couple of different ways (namely, BANG! BAM BOOM! PYEW! POW!) to which I responded in just the same way, to spite her (AIEE! AAHHH! NYAHHH! NOOO! EEEEEK! GAACK!), I was 'allowed' to go back to work. And, of course, I had to re-do the one I ripped up.

Hawkeye does, however, have a maternal instinct, no matter much she tried to hide it; she knew that I was going to go insane if I had to keep doing the paperwork alone. She also has, however, a cruel streak; she picked Fullmetal.

"WHAA?" we both screamed at once.

Hawkeye's trigger finger twitched, and we both fell instantly silent

"Ed... you have nothing real to do here. Roy... if you remain in here alone with the paperwork, one way or another, there will be none left to do. It's the logical choice."

Ed opened his mouth, and I kicked him. Unfortunately, as he was three feet away from me, this had... dramatic effects.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"

BANGNG.

Now, I'm sure you're all wondering, "What kind of sound is 'bangng'?" Well, I'll tell you. It's the sound of the fabric of reality bending around two bullets being fired out of the same gun at the same time in two separate directions.

There was a brief pause, while Hawkeye contained her temper.

"You. Roy. You will do your paperwork. Ed. You will entertain him. If you two get too involved-"

Face reddening, I interrupted. Dangerous, yes, but I was furious. "WHAT THE HELL WAS _THAT _SUPPOSED TO MEAN?"

Hawkeye, thankfully, did not kill me. She simply gave me an odd look. "...that there's a distinct possibility that you'll stop working entirely in favor of taunting Ed?"

Insert awkward pause.

The little voice in my head smirked. (You're beginning to think like me.)

This time, I was at least smart enough not to respond aloud. _You're a horny asshole, you know that?_

It seemed to find that incredibly funny.

-------------------

So there I was, stuck in a room alone with Edward and a pile of paperwork. (Did he fuck Ed senseless? No, of course not.) Shut UP.

Ed did not entertain me, of course. Smartass. Instead, he pulled some alchemical tome out of the infinite extradimensional space in his coat and began reading. He did, however, unwittingly serve his purpose in two ways. One, I did not rip any paper up in a desire to avoid looking stupid in front of Fullmetal.

Two...

After whittling the pile of paperwork down to two-thirds, I decided to take a three-minute break. I sat back, sighed, and glanced at Fullmetal.

He was staring with intense interest at his book, with an absolutely unmoving face in a shade of ketchup.

He stared at it for a bit longer, then snapped it shut and stared at his knees instead. Still blushing and looking guilty, he looked up in my direction...

I smirked as he unintentionally made eye contact. He started backwards, blushing harder. for a moment, I seriously thought he was going to break a blood vessel. (Such touching concern...)

Ignoring that, I drawled, "Sneaking magazines into our textbooks, are we, Mister Elric?"

His face turned a shade of puce in abject fury, and he hurled the book at me, screaming incoherently.

I caught the book, and read the cover. 'Intricacies of Transmuting Base Elements." This stopped me for a moment, until it occurred to me to check the title page inside.

Sure enough. The Rose's Love, by Jane Meridian.

I smirked harder and glanced at Fullmetal, who was suddenly realizing the consequences of throwing the book at me, and said, "Why, Edward, I didn't know you were an amorist!"

In five seconds, there was paperwork all over the floor. Not that I could see it, having been cocooned by what used to be my desk.

"Riiiiza, Edward's being meee-eean!" I whined through my left nostril.

"Shut it, Bakayaro! You sound like Hughes!"

That was going too far.

I snapped my fingers, exploded myself out, and stepped towards Edward, all traces of humor gone.

"You should have more respect for the dead, Edward, or one day, you too will be dishonored."

"Honor is an illusion."

"Maybe, but it's all some people have. Respect tha-"

My little discussion with Edward was interrupted by- guess what...

BANGNG.

--------------

When we got home that night, I ran up to my room immediately, closed the door, flopped back onto the bed, and let my cat mind take over.

--------------

"...oy! ROY!"

I jolted back to awareness, to find myself in the living room, on all fours, rubbing up against the leg of the coffee table.

_Shit! How'd I get out?_

Ed had that same expression on his face as when I nuzzled him, but much stronger, and much more... horrified.. He was standing on the couch, his breathing ragged, coming out in little whimpers.

I stood up... and banged my head.

"Ow..." I muttered, wincing.

Ed relaxed a little, and the expression abject terror on his face was lessening.

"...Roy..."

I couldn't keep concern from creeping onto my face. He was white as a sheet, and seriously, I've never seen anyone so frightened. "What's wrong?"

He attempted to fake some rage, but failed. "Wha... WHAT THE HELL was THAT?"

I sighed. "That was my cat mind, Fullmetal.

He flinched near-invisibly, then said, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"When the cat and I were merged, both of our bodies ended up getting merged together. You know that. The alchemist tried to merge our minds and souls merge as well, but failed; they were strong enough to resist the merge. I'm the stronger of the two minds, so most of the time, I can keep control of the body. But-" I sighed.

He spoke up. "Then why were you a cat just now?" He seriously sounded a little angry. What had gotten his goat?

"How would you feel if you were a cat and you got merged into a body and never got to control your body again? I let the cat out... because it seems like the right thing to do.

"THEN LOCK YOURSLEF IN YOUR ROOM WHEN YOU DO IT!"

"I do! I just forgot to lock it this time. Now..."

I pushed him down onto the couch (yes yes yes!) and sat down next to him (no no no...).

"...why were you so frightened?"

All pretenses of composure suddenly vanished. I winced.

"Because... because, when you came downstairs on all fours... and you came into the room... you looked at me... and smiled... and you looked so- so... animal, _simple_..."

I felt a widening pit in my chest, damp, melancholy, and despairing.

I hadn't felt like that since the transmutation.

I hadn't had to feel like the adult since the transmutation.

Ed began crying, and I held him, my face feeling leaden and alien.

-------------------

Ed was quiet for a couple of days after that. The people at the office noticed, of course, and asked what was wrong, but Edward just gave one of those joyless smiles that are so frightening to anyone who cares about him, and said it was fine.

I felt so guilty...

I was a better actor than Edward, so no-one noticed my despair, but that's okay. If anyone noticed, they'd just interrogate Ed more. And I'm sure Ed doesn't want that.

I told Al to keep an eye out for Ed, and take me back to my room if he noticed me acting like a cat. I explained that I might not understand anything he said while I was like that, and something seemed to click in his head. He said, "Oh," then agreed without explaining. I didn't press it, I could guess what he'd realized.

One day, I walked downstairs and saw Ed sitting frustratedly in front of an empty Go board. Intrigued, I walked in, and asked, "What's up?"

He looked up at me, and his expression dropped into 'nervous shielded.' He paused, then sighed.

"I asked Al to play with me, but apparently, he has to go 'wash his hair.'"

I began to laugh incredulously. Ed scowled. "He's not even _trying_ to hide it from me! He says it in this jocular tone and then skips off laughing! He's not stupid- he's got an ulterior motive, but I can't figure it out!"

I stifled my last few giggles, and let an amused smile creep up one side of my face. "Has he done this before?"

"Several times!"

"...when you asked him to play Go with you?"

He opened his mouth, then got this pissed, 'shit that was obvious' look on his face. The first time I'd seen that much expression on his face at one time in two days... and the first time I felt like laughing at it. So I did.

Ed scowled, but I couldn't stop.

Then Ed seemed to get the joke, and he started chuckling, then giggling, then let out a roar of laughter that filled that yawning pit in my chest, and I was happy.

--------------------

I ended up playing with him- I'm no great shakes at Go, but I know some basic strategy. I don't have the 'eye' for the game, though, and Ed began to call me 'Auto-Atari Man.' Which stung, but it was just good to see Ed smile again.

He beat me by sixty-three and a half points. Smartass.

-that's it! it's OVER!-

A/n:

MP: I'm impressed. Seriously. This is good, it's long, and it's even pretty close to drama.

Me: Yeah, I was considering writing in the note at the top, 'I give up- I cannot, will not, and should not write drama!-' but then this came out!

MP: But what was with the Go?

Me: I started playing online yesterday, and I just felt like including Go in the scene. Roy's style of play is based on mine; I didn't do _quite_ that bad, but Ed is based on no player I've ever played... Ed's supposed to be a Go prodigy.

Roy: That's my snookums.

Ed: What'd I say about calling me snookums outside the bed?

Roy: ...you said I wouldn't be getting any for a month if I did?

Ed: This is your last warning. After that, NO ASS FOR YOU!


	7. Chapter 6

Aaaagh... this is so... wrong...

This is M now because this particular chapter is... racy, to say the least. Not a lemon... well, you'll see. I should've just scrapped this and written something different, but...

REVIEWAH WORSHIP!

Roy-Fan-33: Oo Don't be _blasphemous_...

ILUVBRAE: Thanks. If you say something nice about this story, you will be.

MewMewVanilla: Wait. Vanillacat? What're you...

MP: -snicker snicker-

Me: WHAT DID YOU _WRITE_?

darkgreenpriestess: Awww... what happened?

Invader-Nehima: Dedi...cations?

MP: ):)

Me: -glares at MP-

Jaz the Wolf: Go's a Chinese board game. Auto-atari's a type of illegal move that Roy keeps trying to make.

PuppehLuff: Thanks!

Greedy Ed: Thank you!

Kikyo's killer: Let me guess. -glares at MP-

Fae Elric: I saw that piccy! Verrry cute! Did you do it?

Dedication: To all those people who have sat down at their keyboards tryin' to write good fanfiction and had to watch something... _sick_ come out.

Disclaimer: See Prologue.

Black Cat

So. The day after 'Auto-Atari Man' came into being, we got home as usual. Nothing unusual at the office, no BANGNG, and I was looking forwards to a weekend at home. So I went upstairs, went into my room- locked the door- and there... was...

...a cat?

I stared at it for a bit. Brow with cream spots, curled up asleep, rather attract-

Stopping that train of thought right there.

I clambered up onto my bed- I can't believe I used to be able to jump onto it- and poked the kitty. It didn't respond. I poked again, and it stirred, and looked up at me... and purred.

Now, if I had been fully human, I would've thought, "Aww, how cute," and kinda just gone on with my life. But, I wasn't, and I could hear a different tone in this cat's voice. To be specific, a come-on.

I sniffed the air, a bit frightened. This cat was putting tomcat sex pheromones into the air by the gallon. Which should've freaked me out. Instead, it turned me one.

Which... was disgusting...

I felt my cat mind taking over, and I scrambled off the bed, attempted to open the door...

and damnit, it was LOCKED.

The cat mind took over.

-----

A couple of hours later, I awoke, on the bed, completely nude and feeling content.

Then it hit me, and I jumped up, screaming my head off.

Which, in retrospect, wasn't such a great idea, because Ed and Al came running.

"...Colonel? COLONEL?"

"What's wrong?"

Betcha thought you could guess who said which, didn'tcha? Ed said the sympathetic thing, which was strange.

But that wasn't important, and, wondering why my mind had brought it up, I ad-libbed madly, "N-nothing! Just... just a nightmare!"

"Are you okay? Do you want me to come in there?"

"NO! I-I, um, no, thanks, Al, I'm fine..."

"DAMMIT! Waking me from my nap just 'cause he had a NIGHTMARE! Wuss!"

"Oh, thanks, Ed."

There was a waiting silence out the door. Then Al said, "...how's Rufus?"

My heart stopped.

"...Rufus?"

"The cat."

Heart still not beating...

"You put him there?"

"Yeah, so your cat self had someone to play with."

I could _hear_ Ed flinch, right through the door.

"...I let him out."

True enough- it seemed my cat self had learned how to open the window.

Al paused. "Oh. Sorry."

Ed spoke up. "So what was the nightmare about?"

I got out of my bed and inched towards my dresser. Where had my uniform gotten to?

"...I can't remember anymore."

He sounded like he wasn't buying it.

"I think chocolate syrup was involved."

Oddly, that seemed to assuage his doubts. I guess he'd had that particular nightmare too.

I opened the underwear drawer as quietly as possible.

Not quietly enough, evidently.

"Colonel-san? What are you doing?"

Ad-lib mode now in effect.

"My uniform's drenched in sweat. I'm changing clothes."

And I swear, I _swear_ I could hear Ed blush.

-----

Later, fully clothed once more, it _truly_ hit me. I had just had sex with a cat. A _male_ cat, no less. It occurred to my perverted little mind to wonder who had been uke, and I sincerely hope it was me- hear me out!- because then, I wouldn't have molested a cat. It would've been more like, I had _been_ molested by a cat. Which was better because... it wasn't. I had just WILLINGLY FUCKED WITH A CAT.

Admittedly, the other cat- Rufus- had been hitting on me, but- but...

Agghhh... I felt disgusting, unclean...

The shower didn't help. It just made me feel even more miserable, but I couldn't bring myself to lick myself clean like cats do.

I didn't talk much when I came down later. Or at all. I avoided them both, horrifically ashamed.

--shudder Thank God that's over--

A/N:

MP:..

Me: uu

MP: Pichi...

Me: uu uu

MP: Pichi... you horrible, horrible person.

Me: I know, I know!

MP: You just wrote about Roy molesting a cat!

Me: I KNOW!

MP: What's wrong with you?

Me: I don't _know_...


End file.
